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The following e-mails I have been receiving in 2001 commenting on the article Is Pre-Marital Sex Always A Sin? The e-mailers' comments are in black and enclosed in greater than and lesser than signs. My responses are in red.
My girlfriend and I have recently returned to God. Over a period of time we have slowly slid away from him and haven't realized it until recently. She has given her virginity to me and I have been having sex since I was 16 (we are both 20 now). We realize that pre-marital sex is a sin and for a sin to truly be forgiven you must know in your heart that it was wrong. We are having trouble with that part. We love each other and are planning on getting married some day, and neither of us can find regret for sleeping with each other.
I was wondering if you could give me some advice along with verses form the Bible so I can realize and explain to my girlfriend that what we did was wrong. Just being curious, the quote from Deuteronomy 22:28-29, would that apply to our situation. Is it ok that we have sex if we know we are going to get married?
I would recommend you read through the articles on premarital sex on my site.
As for Deuteronomy 22:28-29, it reads:
If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days (NKJV).
This passage seems to be referring to rape ("seizes her"). But even if it is voluntary pre-marital sex, it should be noted that the required marriage is immediate. But from the tone of your email, I gather that you and your girlfriend have not exactly "Set a date." It sounds like a nebulous, "we will get married someday" attitude. Moreover, be sure to note the "never get divorced" clause in the passage.
In addition, the passage was written to "protect" women who had lost their virginity. In the culture of the time, a non-virgin woman was very unlikely to ever get married as no man would want her. And in the culture, an unmarried woman had little means of support other than prostitution. So the man was required to marry her to save her form this fate. The point is, the law was not given to say it is okay for couples who are planning on getting married to have sex but to protect the woman from one possible detrimental aspect of pre-marital sex. But God's ideal is no sex before marriage as other passage in the Bible make clear.
And finally, even if you were engaged with a date set for soon, there are still potential problems with engaging in sex These are discussed in the above mentioned articles.
So the bottom line is: your actions are wrong and need to be repented of and turned from.
For a follow-up to the above discussion, see Inheritance, Engagement, and Sex.
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Pre-Marital Sex: Ethics, Spirituality, Christian Life
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